pizzicato five

reroute. - 12.02.05
for the belgian. - 11.19.05
here's to hope - 11.16.05
don't bust my balls. - 08.21.05
rambling off. - 08.18.05

<< 11.19.05 >>

4:47 a.m. - for the belgian.

I had to get my act straight. The plan was simple: get a job; save money; write down my hundred pages of truth; capture and project it at twenty-four frames a second. And now all that is finally approaching towards fruition. But to get there I disallowed myself from getting close to a woman. I'm beginning to think that was a mistake.

I had good reasons. My dream--my sanity--was hanging in the balance. I wasn't able to give my all. I thought, "God, I'm already a heartbreaker. Just think how devastating I would be if I didn't give a hundred percent."

I see now that I've always underestimated a woman's resilience. Women are tough bunch. They can take a lot of shit. A strong woman could take any emotional pummeling I could dish out. Maybe she would be bruised and bleeding, but like Jake Lamotta, she wouldn't go down.

And perhaps I am downplaying my worth as a human being as well. Even if only half of me is emotionally available, it's a good half, a valuable half. Maybe it's half of the best of me, the best I'll ever be. The guy that's trying to get somewhere.
Without compromise. Honorably. With soul intact.

Good news is that it's not too late. I'm still on that journey. And I've made room by my side.